Instant Motherhood??

Debbie posted on her blog how, for her, instant motherhood didn't equate to feeling instantly like a Mommy. I started to write this in her comments section, but it got longer and longer, so I decided I'd just make it a post of my own.

I think with us, having C in the NICU for a week was a blessing in disguise. That gave us a mandatory incubation period. By that I don't mean the time he was in an incubator :O) rather a time when we were just alone without a lot of people around (if you don't count all the nurses and doctors.) I am thankful he was one of the most "well" babies in the NICU - it was scary enough as it was. But that gave me hours of just sitting quietly beside him, getting to know him and talk to him and just stare at him while he slept. By the time I could finally hold him, we had certainly already begun connecting.

Being in the delivery room and being right beside the little warming table they lay them on right away, and being one of the first faces he saw (aside from nurses) I am sure helped. Although it was just completely surreal. Like I'd taken some weird trip into TLC and landed in a combo of "A Baby Story" & "Adoption Stories!"

Since Hubby was on his way back from Dallas while C was being born and I was all alone on the adventure, I think the protective Mama lion immediately came out in me. And that carried over into the NICU since I was there alone most of the time while Hubby worked and held down the fort at home and then came over (it is an hour drive) at some point in each day.

The first few weeks home were hard. I'd never been through the newborn phase personally and it is MUCH different than bringing home an 11 month old rigidly sleep trained child. The sleep deprivation was the worst thing and the biggest road block. There's just no way around that.

And I must admit (Hubby and hundreds of others will say "I told you so") there is some magical bond between a Mommy and her baby boy. I really didn't understand beforehand, how could I? But it has happened to me.

So, to sum it all up, I think I bonded with C more quickly than I did with D. Not that I don't love D now with all my heart, but it took me about 3 months to really feel like I was her Mommy. But I think just having the experience of C's first days attributed to our quicker bonding.

Just curious

I was curious as to what was going on last year on July, 29 - the day C was born. Here is what I was writing about then.

Also, I'll try writing a post later (I've got a fussy gas bubbly baby in my arms right now) and I'll answer some of the questions you all have asked in the comments.

Still Learning

A few weeks ago I mentioned in my blog about the Smith family and their unborn daughter, Audrey Caroline. Audrey was born April 7 and lived a miraculous 2 hours and 27 minutes.
The Smith family has been an amazing testament of God's grace and mercy even in the midst of a terrible time.

The Smith's pastor, Pete Wilson, is doing a series about "Plan B" when life doesn't turn out the way you'd planned. In his latest lesson in this series he shares the Smith's story.

Please find 30 minutes to watch this video. I promise it will speak to you. It will cause you to hug your children and your family tighter when you get home.


Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

Toward the end of the video, Angie shares how through this she has learned that Audrey's death was not God's Plan B. The way things worked out were always God's Plan A. This was simple, yet profound for me.

There are still days when I long for our adoption of Viktoria to have turned out differently. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her and all the "what if's." Just this morning in the shower I was thinking how she "should have been" home with us for two years by now. There are so many times when I cry out to God in this terrible wait to complete our family. But even though it seems incomprehensible to us, it has always been God's Plan A.

Just like Angie cried out to God saying, "Please, please let Audrey live! It will be a testimony to Your wonder and power!" I've cried out to God so many times, "Please, please bring Viktoria home! It will be a testimony to Your wonder and power! Please let accreditation come for us so we can bring home our long awaited child" I have so wanted to show God's strength through our adoption.

Oh I know that the pain and hurt that we've been through in this adoption is not one drop in a bucket compared to what the Smith's have dealt with. But God is teaching me through their experience. I'm holding on to God's Plan A!

A little update

Not anything to update on OUR adoption front.

There is good news out in adoption land, though, for Debbie, a good friend of mine and I look forward to hearing more about her wonderful news!

Last Friday we got an updated e-mail from our agency saying that the accreditation paperwork is still in active review, but no official word yet as to being complete.

In new house news, the staining is finally complete as well as the prep-work on all the walls and trim such as caulking and filling in all those hundreds of little nail holes. They’ve got all the windows and doors and cabinetry all covered up with plastic now and have done a primer coat on D’s beadboard. We just stopped by and they were painting in my closet and prepping doors for painting. I am so glad they’re finally moving forward on the actual painting part. It took a long time for the staining and prep-work. Over two weeks for that phase. I wonder if I can dare to hope that they’ll be done with painting by the end of this week??

As I type this, we are on our way to a larger town about 1 hour away to go to Kirkland Home and see if we can find mirrors for the girls’ bathroom and the powder room. I love Kirkland Home! They have great decorative items at a very reasonable price.

I got some photos of the new desk yesterday before it was stained, but now it’s stained and covered up with plastic wrap, so I’ll have to wait to get more photos of that later. I also took some up close photos of the front porch after the railing was painted. Maybe by the time I’m able to post this to the blog, I’ll have some colorful photos of the new paint.

The outdoor shutters were delivered last week, and I’m anxious to see those put on. I think it will really make the outside look more complete. Of course we’re still waiting on the vinyl siding guy to come back and finish the dormers and the trim work over the front porch. I hope he comes soon!

I ordered the cabinet pulls last week, they should be in soon. I was so surprised how expensive those things are. I ordered 75 of them and will do some from L@wes or H@me Dep@t for the girls’ bathroom and the laundry room.

I am anxious to see the colors on the walls. I’m so afraid that the main color I chose is going to be too dark!

Blah, blah, blah.

I feel like I’m sitting here talking about cabbages and kings. Inconsequential things. Pretending the elephant is not sitting right in the middle of the room, or blog in this case.

I so very badly wish I had some adoption news to share. I’ve been kind of down about it lately. It’s just taking a ridiculously long time no matter how you look at it. I guess since we’re coming to the end of the house building it is becoming more evident that we still don’t have our child home.

Good grief! We’re waiting for an already born child (according to our dossier age range!), it’s not like we’re waiting for a child to be conceived and gestated! And here, during this time, we’ve built an entire new house and still haven’t managed to bring this already born, waiting for a family, child across the world and home.

Ridiculous.

House Update and Adoption News (not good)

Do you want the good news or the bad news first??

Ok, I'll start with the bad news and end up with good news.

We received an e-mail from our agency on Friday evening letting us know that our casemanager is on her way to Russia to hand deliver a document to the Ministry of Justice which they had requested be done before our agency can complete accreditation. Yes, I said the MOJ!? Yes, we were waiting on the last signature, from the Ministry of Internal Affairs. What is going on? I don't know. This is Russian Adoption after all and you just never know what is going to come next. OUr casemanager is from Russia, so while she is there she will visit her family who she hasn't seen in 3 years. She'll also meet with the Moscow and St. Pete in-country staff while she is there.

That's all I know right now. I'm not feeling very cheerful about this news. Nope, not cheerful at all.

*******************************************************************

Ok, now onto the house update. All the sheetrock is up and is taped and mudding is done. From what I understand, they'll begin the texturing this week. I didn't realize they had to do the mud two coats so they were applying that today. It's looking good, though.

The vinyl is almost finished, finally! I guess they're about 3/4 of the way through. Once they finally get finished with the vinyl bits (there's not much at all, they guy is just sooooo slow!). And once it quits raining and snowing the bricks can get started!

We went and ordered our countertops this morning for the kitchen and baths. My big bathtub was delivered on Friday, but I can't see it since it's all wrapped up in the box and has saran wrap stuff all around it.

Not Us

Again.

Sigh....

Order #69: Adoption Center of Washington (USA)
Order #70: Global Adoption Services, Inc. (USA)
Order #71: Dove Adoptions International, Inc. (USA)
Order #72: Hand in Hand (USA)
Order #73: Diaconal Services of the Evangelical Church of the Rhein-Necker Region (Germany)

When you come to my blog, do you ever think to yourself . . .

"Ummm, I thought this blog was supposed to have something to do with adoption, but it just always seems to be Bob the Builder gone awry."

Well, my friends there has been very little going on adoption wise for us. We did finally send our dossier documents off to Austin last Friday and I 'got to' check the Fed-ex website for a tracking number again. The Secretary of State received it this morning.

Other than these documents, our dossier is ready to go as soon as accreditation comes. Our agency has only one more signature left and then the final sign off from the Ministry of Education. It should be any day (((any day))) (((any day))) .

I've pretty much been in adoption detox for the last 6 months. It's almost as if we're beginning a whole new adoption instead of just continuing this one forever and ever and ever. D and I were at WalMart the other day and I bought a new journal. It's red. D's adoption journal was just like it but pink. Viktoria's journal was just like it but rainbow colors. D knew immediately why I was buying it. She said, "is that my baby sister's new book?" So, she knows.

I haven't written anything in it yet.

I think I'm scared.

I AM beginning to have a fresh wave of excitement and anticipation. I think it is imminent now. Kind of like nesting. Ummm, we're building this baby a whole brand new nest LOL!

I am so glad we've had the house building to keep us occupied these last months. It has been a sanity saver for me. I figure the new home and the bringing of the new child into it all fit under the category of the Long and Winding Road to Home. It's all about Home.

So, hopefully you'll have some exciting things to read from us in the next months to come and I hope you don't get tired of looking at paint previews and carpet colors until the Adoption gets in full gear again.

I can feel it in my Mommy bones - we're about to begin again.

Christmas has come and gone and 2008 is on it's way

We had a nice Christmas. We've all been sick for the whole month of December so we've had a pretty slow and simple Christmas.

D asked Santa for a stuffed Skunk and a Webkinz Duck and he came through for her. She also got Polly Pocket Race to the Mall and a Leapster from Mommy and Daddy (along with several other odds and ends)

The began the framing on our house the Friday before Christmas by doing the outline of the house on the floor in 2x4's. The didn't do anything else on it till yesterday and today they've just about got all the perimeter and the interior framed up!



Well, it doesn't look like our agency will hear any good accreditation news this month and if there is anything to come in January, I'm sure it won't come till later in the month since the Russians will be celebrating Christmas and New Years for half the month.

It was good to hear, though, that several more agencies received their accreditation last week, so hopefully we'll be next.

Last week hubby and I had a talk about how long will we wait? I admit, I've had thoughts of just stopping and being content with our precious D. But I just hate for her to grow up as an only child. And I'm not quite ready to set aside my dream of having another child. My arms and heart still feel as if there is an empty spot. We haven't set a deadline yet, but we'll see where we are after we're in our new house if nothing has happened accreditation-wise by then (heaven forbid!).

I've thought a good bit about losing Viktoria these last days. I pray that she is in a loving family and will enjoy her first family Christmas. The hardest time that it hit me was when I set the table for Christmas Eve dinner and there were still just three place settings. The absence of that fourth was very apparent to me.

I hope 2008 will be a very happy year for all the waiting families and the children who will join them.

A Glimmer of Hope??

Церковь и солнце
Originally uploaded by flushkin

We received an e-mail from our agency today stating that it has been confirmed that Three of the Four Ministries have signed off on Buckner's accreditation application. It is the Ministry of Internal Affairs signature that they're waiting for. It was this Ministry which caused the hold up on this latest batch of agencies' accreditation due to confusion in the review process..

It is their hope that they will be approved in the December Batch.

"Please pray specifically that the Ministry of Internal Affairs has resolved their review process and will sign off on Buckner's paperwork without delay and that all the final approvals will be in place by December."

What a wonderful Christmas gift for all of us - waiting children, pre-adoptive parents and agency staff alike.

Happier Thoughts

Fall Road
Originally uploaded by Mahones

Sorry to be so doomie-gloomie yesterday. I have moments, but they're becoming fewer and farther between. I think once we pass this anniversary time of our visit to Viktoria last year, I'll do better and better.

Now, let's talk about the house. That always gets me happier (so far!)

We're moving along, although there is nothing to be seen of it yet. I never knew there was so much behind the scenes stuff that had to happen before the house building could begin!

We learned yesterday what our new address will be! See, we bought three lots, so we weren't exactly sure what it would be. We actually had a choice between 1017 ; or 1019 or 1021. Hubby let me decide because I had talked earlier about how I hoped our address would be 1017.

It seems the number 1017 is an important number in our lives. My Mama's birthday was October 17; my sweet puppy B. Bopp (who died the day before we went to meet Viktoria) was born on October 17; Hubby's anniversary at the church is October 17 (he's celebrating his 13th anniversary tomorrow by the way!); and we left Russia to bring D home on October 17. So now the address of our new home will be 1017 Ouic_ _ _ _ _!!

Another neat thing about the house. When we met with the builder last Friday, he told us to go ahead and be thinking of windows, roof color etc. So we were driving around Saturday evening looking at windows. We happened to see D's Vice Principal outside the house they are building. They're about 2 months ahead of us. Their house is already framed in and they're getting their bricks on this week. Anyhow, she asked us to come take a look at it. We walked in and she started explaining what all the rooms will be (they're still just studs right now) and at about the same time, it clicked with both hubby and me THIS IS OUR HOUSE! They found the same house online as we did! They even made some of the same changes to it that we did. The only difference is that their house is completely reversed from what ours will be. It was so cool to see what our house was going to look like! The outside of theirs will look quite different than ours, they're going more for the rustic look with cedar beams outside and a more earthy colored brick. Ours will be more traditional with a reddish brick.

Now hubby is afraid that it will take some of the thrill out of seeing ours go up since it's the same layout. But I think it will benefit us since we can learn from anything that goes wrong with theirs :O). They're contracting theirs out themselves and we're using an established builder with his own teams in place, so who knows, we may catch up with them as I've heard it's slower going contracting it yourself.

We're waiting to hear from the bank to do our initial "closing". Yesterday, Hubby lined up getting the water and sewer tie-in's done by the city (we pay that out of pocket, about $600). Once we do our initial closing, the builder gets his permit and we're off!

I wonder if anything amazingly wonderful will happen tomorrow? It will be October 17 after all!!

**No, we haven't settled on windows yet. The debate is over how many "lites" (the little squares). In our area, the trend seems to be 9 over 6, but I think it's too busy. I think we're leaning toward 4 over 2, but I wish I could find 6 over 4 - I think that would be just right. The search is still on!**

A light at the end of this tunnel??

Birdcage Walk in November Fog
Originally uploaded by Andy100

We received an email from our agency's director of International Adoption today. She directed us to read the blogs of the Executive President and President of our adoption agency who have been in Russia over the last several days.

I don't feel comfortable posting the full article here, but suffice it to say this is THE BEST NEWS WE'VE HEARD IN A LONG, LONG TIME! It's not accreditation, yet, but by the way things sound, it's the closest we've been in ages!

Here is just a snippet of what he writes, ".... we pronounced greetings, blessings, and words of kindness. This was a moving time for me.

Of utmost concern to us during this visit is the re-accreditation of Buckner Adoption and Maternity Services with authority to process adoptions in Russia. We had several very positive conversations that resulted in advancing the re-accreditation process. Dr. H and I committed to continued investment in this country and a willingness to develop Buckner Russia as a national entity with services and programs designed to bless children throughout the country.

I will never forget the expressions on the faces of children who are waiting to be adopted. They had glimpses of hope and eagerness. My heart was broken as I spent time with them. All they want is a mom and dad who will love them and raise them, a dad who will pray with them, and a mom who will tuck them into bed at night and who will see to their daily needs. Jesus loves the little children and so do we. Will you pray for Re-accreditation for Buckner in Russia so children waiting to be added to 29 families will have much to give thanks for at Thanksgiving?"