15 October, 2007

A year ago today . . .

Hubby and I were more tired than we'd ever been in our whole lives.

About this time of day (Russian time), we were sleeping on a train in the middle of Russia after doing something we will never do again!

We had traveled from Dallas to Atlanta on an early morning flight. 5 hour layover in Atlanta. Atlanta to Moscow. Killed 5 hours in Moscow then straight to the train. By the time we got on the train we both had emotional meltdowns. It was too much for a body to handle, especially with all the other emotions of knowing we were on our way to visit Viktoria only to have to leave her again. Never knowing that when we left her that time, we would never see her again.

It was the closest we ever came to wanting to quit. It was too hard. It is too hard. But for our child, we will do anything. And we still will..

I was looking at the only picture we have displayed anymore of Viktoria. She is my daughter. My goodness, she looks just like me! I think that fact will always haunt me. Anyhow, I got to thinking, I feel somewhat how a birthmother must feel knowing that she is my daughter, but another family has now adopted her and is raising her. No, I didn't carry her in my belly for nine months. More! I carried her in my heart for over 17 months. I held her in my arms many times and heard her laughter. I smelled her little girl orphanage smell. I feel as if I am like a birthmother who is forced to place her child for adoption. It isn't what she wants. It isn't what I want. But now the child is gone. She is my second daughter - she always will be.

11 comments:

kaymommy said...

Oh, Suzie, my heart aches for you. Special prayers today for your sweet Victoria!

Heidi said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Ugh, I hate that sentence. What can I say? The pain is so great in your heart. I never met the first child I was "matched" with in Russia. But I still pray for her and remember shopping for her. She slipped away to someone else. I can't imagine 17 months of having met and being in love. I know bits of your pain and it is so awful, I can't imagine what you feel. But it is a great loss, that no words can help heal.
I wish only to let you know that you are not alone.
Heidi
purplefolderadventure.wordpress.com

David said...

May God give you the comfort that you need right now. What an emotional post, Suz.

jessy said...

I hadn't thought of it before, but you are right. It is like you are the birthmother. In so many ways.
Again, I'm so sorry.

Amy said...

Suzie, my heart goes out to you and your family today. Your second daughter will always be your little angel. God Bless you and your entire family. Hugs, Amy

Dede said...

What a sad post to read and my heart goes out to you. God bless your family. (hugs)

Chelley said...

it is a loss.. of what might have been.... The pain will heal but you will never forget..

I know the pain of losing a child...

just know that we are here for you... to help you remember and to be a shoulder to lean on.....

Debbie said...

I'm so glad you posted your feelings. I'm sure it can only help to acknowledge them.
I pray for you always and for Viktoria. She will always be your daughter, but I pray that the loss gets easier with time.

Stephanie said...

I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family. I know that V held a speical place in your heart and always will. Sending cyber hugs your way!

Esther said...

Oh Suz. Yes yes yes. I feel about ZsaZsa the exact same way you feel about V.
Blessings to you, Esther

kate said...

suz, i've been quietly reading--when i have internet--but just wanted to pop out and give you a (((((BIG HUG))))). Praying for peace for your tender heart.