Four Years Old

How is that even possible? Viktoria turned Four today. Four! I pray so much that she is happy and loved and hugged and kissed and had a very special day today.

Happy fourth birthday sweet, precious girl. I hope you had a delicious birthday treat today!

p.s. This morning in church, I opened up C's burpie cloth and there inside was a red thread! Of course I immediately stuck it on my shirt right over my heart. It just really struck me that there in C's cloth was Vika's red thread. I'll never again see a red thread that I don't think of her.

Found the big suitcase

Hubby found the big suitcase in the rental storage unit last night. I got it cleaned up and in the house this morning and had a sad moment when I opened it up. It still had lots of stuff in it from our trip to visit Viktoria in October, 2006. I had left things in there for "when we went back". I had to throw out most of the things in our medicine bag, it was all expired. I can't believe it has been nearly 2 years (in 4 months) since we last saw her.

I'm about 1/4 packed with my stuff, I haven't even begun D's stuff and hubby will take care of his own for the most part. I'm able to relax a bit about it now that we have an appointment for the closing of the house.

Still Learning

A few weeks ago I mentioned in my blog about the Smith family and their unborn daughter, Audrey Caroline. Audrey was born April 7 and lived a miraculous 2 hours and 27 minutes.
The Smith family has been an amazing testament of God's grace and mercy even in the midst of a terrible time.

The Smith's pastor, Pete Wilson, is doing a series about "Plan B" when life doesn't turn out the way you'd planned. In his latest lesson in this series he shares the Smith's story.

Please find 30 minutes to watch this video. I promise it will speak to you. It will cause you to hug your children and your family tighter when you get home.


Smith Family Story from Matthew Singleton on Vimeo.

Toward the end of the video, Angie shares how through this she has learned that Audrey's death was not God's Plan B. The way things worked out were always God's Plan A. This was simple, yet profound for me.

There are still days when I long for our adoption of Viktoria to have turned out differently. There is not one day that goes by that I don't think of her and all the "what if's." Just this morning in the shower I was thinking how she "should have been" home with us for two years by now. There are so many times when I cry out to God in this terrible wait to complete our family. But even though it seems incomprehensible to us, it has always been God's Plan A.

Just like Angie cried out to God saying, "Please, please let Audrey live! It will be a testimony to Your wonder and power!" I've cried out to God so many times, "Please, please bring Viktoria home! It will be a testimony to Your wonder and power! Please let accreditation come for us so we can bring home our long awaited child" I have so wanted to show God's strength through our adoption.

Oh I know that the pain and hurt that we've been through in this adoption is not one drop in a bucket compared to what the Smith's have dealt with. But God is teaching me through their experience. I'm holding on to God's Plan A!

A year ago today . . .

Our Train Awaits - Moscow, Russia
Originally uploaded by TimS

Hubby and I were more tired than we'd ever been in our whole lives.

About this time of day (Russian time), we were sleeping on a train in the middle of Russia after doing something we will never do again!

We had traveled from Dallas to Atlanta on an early morning flight. 5 hour layover in Atlanta. Atlanta to Moscow. Killed 5 hours in Moscow then straight to the train. By the time we got on the train we both had emotional meltdowns. It was too much for a body to handle, especially with all the other emotions of knowing we were on our way to visit Viktoria only to have to leave her again. Never knowing that when we left her that time, we would never see her again.

It was the closest we ever came to wanting to quit. It was too hard. It is too hard. But for our child, we will do anything. And we still will..

I was looking at the only picture we have displayed anymore of Viktoria. She is my daughter. My goodness, she looks just like me! I think that fact will always haunt me. Anyhow, I got to thinking, I feel somewhat how a birthmother must feel knowing that she is my daughter, but another family has now adopted her and is raising her. No, I didn't carry her in my belly for nine months. More! I carried her in my heart for over 17 months. I held her in my arms many times and heard her laughter. I smelled her little girl orphanage smell. I feel as if I am like a birthmother who is forced to place her child for adoption. It isn't what she wants. It isn't what I want. But now the child is gone. She is my second daughter - she always will be.